I remember the day she died. I sat down on the couch in my living room; the expression on my parent’s faces worried me. At first I thought I was in trouble, they looked so upset. Hearing the words out loud seemed so strange. All I could think about was running through the wild flowers. Swimming in the summer time. Screaming at each other because we didn’t want to hold Kong the scary pit bull who was the neighbors dog, and then laughing so hard when he wouldn’t stop licking us. I started crying, how could she be dead? Gone forever and ever. I felt empty and scared; she was only a few years older than me. She wasn’t sick; she was healthy and full of life. In an instant she was gone, one wrong move and that was it.
We both sat in our pajama’s eating our cereal. I looked outside the window; it was snowing, coming down hard and fast. I looked at my Grandma and smiled, she said, “ I don’t understand why I am still here…” I was caught off guard by her blunt remark, never had I heard these words uttered from another human being directly to me. I reassured her that she was here for a reason. We continued munching on our cereal, and I forgot about what she had said. That afternoon as we backed out of my Grandmothers driveway, I watched her wave goodbye. It reminded me of what she had said to me earlier that morning. I thought to myself, what if grandma does die? Then I concluded that it would probably be a while before that would actually happen. This past summer we sat eating lunch; I was admiring her flowers. Suddenly she said to me, “I miss Grandpa, I don’t understand why I am still here.” Once again I reassured her that she was here for a purpose. This time as we backed out of the driveway, she waved at us. I thought to myself, what if grandma is dying? This was the last time I saw my Grandmother alive.
Six months ago if I was asked: What is illness and dying? , I would not be able to tell you. I would probably give a simple answer such as suffering, pain or sorrow. Although those are definitely elements of the topic, it gives us the idea that it is so simplistic. However until you experience first hand the effects of illness and dying the general idea does seem quite simple. So simple that we try our hardest to avoid questioning it.
Grieving is a strange process. It isn't just crying or feeling sad. It comes in waves. After my childhood friend died I was scared of the world. The way she left wasn't normal, it had nothing to do with illness. The earth had a flaw that in a chain reaction killed her. I didn't and still don't understand why this happened to her. I don't feel like she is really gone, it doesn't seem possible. It is the same feeling with my Grandmother. Although she had lived a long life the momentum building up to her death was my whole life. I never knew my Grandmother when she was not sick with something. So when she went into the hospital the last time we all figured she would bounce back again. But she didn't. Loosing people makes you loose faith in the world. Although we all know it happens to everyone, we aren't prepared for the event to actually happen. It comes as a shock that it really does happen. It makes you feel empty, you breathe in and literally feel nothing. The emotions that come along with death are unavoidable and our minds are unprepared.
After my childhood friend died I went to the park constantly. I kept seeing blue jays. I never see blue jays. The day my Grandmother died I was walking in the park with my Dad and we saw a red cardinal. I never see red cardinal's. I knew once I saw the bird that this was the day. Six hours later she died. Last weekend we saw a red cardinal again. The idea of dying is so complex and I think we look for signs, possible recognition that wherever they are, they are okay.
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